What Fills My Pockets

Why so sad?

2011-05-29T17:08:00.002-06:00

When there is music like this..

Do you believe in rock and roll?

Can music save your mortal soul?

And can you teach me how to dance real slow?

Friends, lovers and randoms

2011-05-19T12:51:00.002-06:00

Dreadlocks or mister E, Frat boy A and D. How are you classified exactly?

Dreadlocks, my mister EK, decided to not follow through. Why? Will I really ever know? Probably not. He said he couldn't lose me, so that means he didn't want me. He said he needed me, but that means he didn't like me enough. I wasn't enough. I'm not self-conscious enough or too modest to admit that it was because I'm not good enough. Because I am and we had chemistry. And we had promise. And we had everything we needed. But that's what I thought. He thought "she's my friend she is a good girl , she is someone that if i fuck with won't talk to me again. She's someone that I need. But every time I go down this road I get broken. And all of it gets broken and I can't fix it. I can't make everyone happy. I can't make her happy. I will fuck this up. Then I'll lose her." but mister E is it better to have me halfway then taking the chance to have me completely or lose me completely.

Honestly I'm not sure if he's right or wrong. What I know is it really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I like him or I don't. It doesn't matter if he actually lied completely and the thought of me repulses him or if wants to jump my bones desperately. It doesn't matter cause unless he wants something to happen and really wants it and doesn't back down, nothing is going to happen. We are going to keep coasting just as we are. Some might say "It's the 21st century girl if you want someone go for them". But I'm saying I did everything with honesty and bared my heart to him. Let him see how I felt and he backed down. In my books that means he is not interested and I will not allow myself to waste time waiting for someone. I know he had felt something at some point. I won't lie to myself and to my gut feelings and say he didn't so I can get over him. That happened but it's over. And that is okay. It is okay for something to be over. Which means I will be okay when things end. When anything ends. So I'm going to text mister E today cause I miss him. Our "romance" is done but I do still need him as a friend.

Mister E my deadlocked man = a friend not a lover.

Frat boy A. He is not really a person in a way so much as an experience and story. He and I had a class A flirtatious one night only fling. Where did it start? I am a true believer in the endorphins releasing power that is harmless flirting. It boosts your confidence teaches you about social situations and all in all leaves you a nice fuzzy feeling. So yes when in the presence of a cute single boy who is interesting and just isn't talking to me to get some. I have a tendency to flirt. So I did. I made jokes. I made sexual innuendos. I was interested. We sat by the fire and I let our feet touch. I brought attention to how my foot held the ice on the swollen sprained ankle and made my entire leg touch his. From there he took over. We talked and giggled. He would touch my leg for emphasis or my back. Then as we got drunker. When there became a shortage of chairs he offered his lap to me and my chair to my greatest love. I wanted to be near so why the hell not. Then we ate pizza as we sat. His arm soon made his way around me to hold me in place and then play with the bottom of my shirt and the edge of my jeans. Soon the party was moved inside and the night time cold set in. We walked in together but I ditched his side for a moment with my love. In the living room I commented on his huge ankle and gestured for me to take the small amount space left on the couch beside him. We had to sit quite close to make it work. He played with my hands i played with his. Etc Etc.... we were cozy. Then my love was doing her best to use text messages to initiate kissing. Then he began to rub my thigh and soon it seems the entire rest of the group right at that moment went for a smoke, left or left to leave us alone.

Then the kissing started and then his hand meandered it's way down trying to get me off through my jeans. We then moved downstairs. The party soon returned to the living room as we made out in the basement. Then to my own surprise I let actually get some. Not something I'm used to. I let him kiss me all over. I let him touch me all over. I let him take off all my clothes. I let him try to make me go over the edge. I let him and I don't regret it. It was fun. Soon I returned the favor and gave my first attempt at a hand job. I never finished but I would just like to say that is a lot of work. You need a large amount of stamina for that job. This continued this back and forth. He asked me how I liked it. Asked me to show him how I got off. Asked me if I was ready to blow him. Told me he never met a girl who liked it so soft and subtle. Asked if I'd ever had a orgasm and if I had ever tried it harder. Then my two best loves of life turned on the lights walked in and saw the show.

We redressed and after that he and I owed each other nothing. He went his way I went mine. There was no feeling at all except the mutual feeling of that was fun and thank you.

So Mister A, thank you I had fun. Take care of yourself get that ankle checked by a doctor and do not worry you owe me nothing. We are even. I enjoyed myself and I thank you for being my first in that experience. You were nothing but a gentlemen and a considerate person.

Mister Frat boy A = not a lover, one day maybe a friend but always my first random.

Finally D. You are last because you are the only thing that feels unfinished. Mr D has been floating in my brain. Last night I had a dream that he and I were together, but it was a dream inside a dream. I dreamed of dreaming of him and when the inner dream ended I awoke in my main dream feeling I lost him. Then I awoke from that dream a little mixed up. Yes we did make out that one time almost a nine months ago. Yes we argued and got into a fight about it significance. Yes I admitted to myself that you didn't mean nothing to me. But I also admitted I didn't want you. I didn't want a long distance crap that it would be. I was over it. I thought. But I see you now and it makes me nervous. But it's not I'm nervous in love, and it's not I'm nervous cause I just want to be friends. It's neither. It's some weird thing in the middle where I feel like I'm hung up on you without the ambition to want you. You don't act like it is over either, but I really can't do anything else but pretend that I have moved on completely. Which it feels like I have but something still nags me. So for mister D I feel I need to tread on eggshells and hope for the best.

D = not quite a lover not quite only a friend. neither and both.

Call me crazy to wait.

2011-03-30T13:46:00.003-06:00

So yes,

I am

you know

feeling that way

kinda

mostly

a lot.

Yes

well yeah

he..

kinda

well

he is

there.

In my mind.

Not all the time

but a lot

too much?

yes and no

too much for me.

But I've never been

you know

one of

"those girls"

Whatever that means.

but one month,

we already have a time limit.

a short one.

what's the point?

if it's so short.

and then four months

which is long.

too long?

Maybe.

could I wait?

maybe.

But I've never been "that" kind of girl

the one that waits.

the kind that wait for a guy.

But there he is

in my mind

he's not on my lips

but I've been in his arms.

does that count?

maybe

for him?

maybe

I hope so

For me?

maybe

....yes

definitely yes

if I let my mind be honest about my heart

....

now what?

I have to wait.

but

I've never been one of "those girls".

Those little things..

2011-03-20T18:51:00.002-06:00

Now I don't know if I've done it yet, but I feel myself going through the motions. The motions of having a real crush.

I know you're suppose to have reached a point of maturity in your life at my age where you no longer call these feelings butterflies or these thoughts daydreams. You do not say "why yes my darling best friend I am crushing on that fine man over yonder." No the language has changed. Now we hold in the blushing and the giggles and like the adults we're suppose to pretend to be we say things like, "Ah yes him...I'm interested and I find him an appealing option." Really though there is not a soul that exists that if you asked them about the one person they love that they would not smile to themself. They would experience those butterflies. Deny their existance all you want and attempt to replace it with the more mature idea of deep feelings but it is still in essence a crush.

(Do not believe I confuse infatuation and love. A real crush can be either or in this context)

But I can feel it generating. I want him to want me. I want him to find me interesting and attractive. I want us to have flirty conversations that we both hope and know are heading to the same mutual idea. I look at my phone for text messages I know are not there. I regret not going to his place this weekend and things that may or may not have happened if I did.

However the back of mind aches with some annoying picks of stupid.
summer is in a month

four months apart

no definable moment that shows there is anything going on

he smokes

he may do stuff that scares me

he says he wants sex not a girlfriend but won't hit on slutty girls to get any but puts nice girls aside for his idea of freedom.

but then I remember....

how he really only comes to class cause I convinced him too.

he didn't want to be late to meet with me.

gave me beer all night with no intention of wheeling me.

let me use his shoulder so I wouldn't fall in the snow

thinks I'm one of those nice girls

tells me to drop by later even though he's not having a party

asked for my number

gets embarassed around me

All in all. This is a whole lot of nothing. But it's a whole lot of nothing that invades my thoughts way too often. This boy may have finally got to me. The last time I said this though, my crush started something up with a different girl and I.....got over it in a day. maybe less. So yes the motions are there, but the commitment still needs to catch up.

Tell them please...

2011-01-21T13:00:00.003-07:00

The truth is

What I'm honestly trying to get at

To be honest

It is weird and awkward trying to explain these feelings and only those in the same situation with enough confidence can even mention them and have a moment of solidarity with each other.

The truth is

what I'm honestly trying to say

To be completely honest

I am tired and sick of wishing and waiting for love to happen.

Plain and simple I want crushes, I want text messages that make me smile like no others, I just someone whom would show the slightest interest. I haven't even had that in months and nothing real in years. I'm not ugly, I'm not out of shape, I dress nice, I'm smart. What is it that I have to do to get any attention? Do I have to show off my boobs? Do I have to put out? Do I have to play dumb?

What is it about myself that makes me so damn unattractive? and if not unattractive then not worth the trouble? I'm just frustrated and it makes the loneliest I get here sometimes seem worse.

Like What the Fuck Where Are All The Guys?

Yes I try hard and do really well in school does that really throw guys off enough that makes them not like you? Yes I did get a scholarship. I thought in uni guys liked smart girls and they weren't like the stupid ones from high school.

UGHHHHH

Counting days.

2010-11-17T10:42:00.003-07:00

Everywhere I look people are counting. It's not wrong. It involves anticipation and excitement. However in truth it wears a little thin. Like those that look to the past constantly counting down the future holds equally no merit. Think of the words them selves.

Counting. Waiting. Restless. Distracted.

Down. Sad. Low. Depressed. Pessimistic.

I don't want to count anymore. I want today to be the day I've been waiting for. Let today be the winner and when you sleep let the hours of unconscious sleep be the countdown for the next day so when you wake up your at zero. Your at the day of great value and importance. Everyday is special.

Life is much happier that way. Yes somethings that are good may not be happening on this day but that should not deny them significance. The good will come...at some time...soon. Don't wait. Waiting is frustrating. Doing however is entirely good.

I like this idea

2010-10-25T16:30:00.002-06:00

Now do not get confused. I do not love it. I never seem to be able to love, but maybe that is because I never get the chance. But as I well know and have the confidence to say that "it's not me it's them". Before I go into detail as to why the physics of love never falls into my favor lets just discuss this small tendril reaching into the world. Now it's fragile and not very sure if it's right. Ready to pull back anytime.

But I do like this idea.

I like the idea that he can't be intimidated. I like the idea that he is not just in it for the skin to skin. I like the idea that there may really be an army of bears about to attack and that the lactose intolerant must be robots because what human being could not like chocolate milk?

What I do not like is how this may be taking root the way it always does. I'm the one texting and I'm the one waiting. I'm never pursued (which denies me my female need for attention).

People say it will change and that one day someone will come.

Why not today?

Why not him?

The world is sleepy

2010-09-16T22:24:00.003-06:00

This place is weird. It breathes and thinks and reaches out to you. However sometimes you have no clue why you are within these four walls and if it was worth all this effort. I never know if I'm doing enough, am I?

Oh and I want things to happen and I want them to happen right now. I want to fall in love and I want to feel like I'm accomplishing something. I want to feel like I don't need to be nervous anymore. Am I doing this right?

I get sick of people but I seek them out because being alone is like holding your breath and not letting go.

Patterns (old one)

2010-05-30T11:42:00.004-06:00

I feel like we've all been following patterns for years, 13 to be exact. After a certain number of years your best friend changes. After a certain amount of time all those boys you were in love with mean little or you're embarassed to admit they even exisited. After a certain number of days you clean out your binders or desk. After a certain amount of hours you go home and have a snack.

Sure everyone's patterns are different but the fact remains that we all have them. With less then a month all those patterns will be non existant and some people have already left their patterns hanging out to dry. These weeks are not normal anymore. There is no normal anymore. There is only lets get as much good and bad of the high school expierences out of these last few weeks.

There has a party every weekend, a break up or make up once a week, a new funny embarassing story almost every day and some weird exclamiations.

One B the stoner annouced to me that he had the hugest crush on me in Kindergarden and thought I should know.

J L a boy a barely ever talk but who is fairly good looking if a bit shy almost asked me to prom. (memo to readers: I'm going with my lovely buff boy JK, we are friends, and I couldn't ask for anything better) JL and I then discussed why people even bother getting dates if you are just going as friends.

Oh well those lazy boys who haven't had to chance to ask anyone are now getting desperate. And if JL who I never have had a serious conversation, whom I never talk to except for small talk drunk or sober is asking me? Either he thinks I'm pretty enough and nice enough that it wouldn't be too awkward.

The patterns are ending. I don't know what I think.

I think I'm happy... and I think I'm excited.

But who the fuck really knows?

Why? Because I'm hopeful

2010-05-23T18:19:00.003-06:00

cynical apathetic indifferent blaise uncaring uninterested meh whatever

What do they get us? Those whom go around their lives living with (insert adjective) attitudes. Nothing. Nothing good and nothing bad.

But I do not want middle liners with no passion on either side.

I want the edges

that's where those whom actually live,

that's where they roam

Too many of us are these middle liners we live day to day looking for nothing because we have lost hope that it is out there. That one great love, that one great moment, career, muse, rainbow, inspiration, or chance.

Don't ever stop looking hoping or wishing.

So yes when the clock turns 11:11,

an eyelash needs to be blown away,

a shooting star goes past,

a tunnel approaches

and my birthday cake arrives in my face.

I will wish.

Because it is so much better than not wishing at all.

You know this feeling.

2010-05-14T17:36:00.002-06:00

You know it. I know you do.

It happens to the best of us and a lot more often then we wished it did.

However I want to say I'm actuallly pissed that mine has to come in a form that will stay around for the next fifty years.

They are awful

they make feel like total crap and I hate it

Why?
Why?
Why?

And I can't even tell her because I know she likes them.

They show off everthing bad and nothing good.

I think therefore I get more confused

2010-04-25T15:53:00.005-06:00

Sometimes thinking doesn't help.

I get guilty, and dissapointed

Sometimes there is no answer

be lost and hopeful.

Sometimes there is no where I feel welcome

Be selective

Am I right for this?

Right.

Is this right for me?

As Far as Lovers Go

2010-04-25T15:46:00.002-06:00

What happened with the fish bowl was special and I haven't shared it with anyone. The weirdest part about that moment though is that I always thought that moments like that would be with a lover but I'm realising more and more that you'll never be that. And that does not bother me. You have reminded of why I need you. Why I need you as a friend.

For awhile I thought I felt my heart going astray for you, but I think it was just confused with getting closer to you.

Close intimacy doesn't have to mean becoming, it means getting closer with what already have.

I'm going to miss you my beautiful buff boy when those 68 days are done.

Don't forget me.

Those little words.

2010-04-18T15:36:00.002-06:00

And I wonder was I really her favorite.

Family should not have the liberty to say such things

Oh Vexed

2010-04-18T15:21:00.002-06:00

Was there ever time when the world just stopped and waited for a second. Because holy fuck I need that to happen right now. Everything is going way too fast and sometimes I feel like I cannot breathe. My lungs are just being push down by everything that is passing me by and everything I feel like I don't have time to do. Although I say this as I'm wasting time blogging but this isn't really blogging this is a little bit of spiritual release so that I don't burst out crying any minute now. So many things are on my soul right now and I don't even know why half of them are bothering me. And somethings I wish would just disappear because I really don't know what to do or how to deal with them but they are too important to ignore. But to deal with them would be to invest too much time that I don't have. Also every time I say that it feels like an excuse.

But here I go

Fuck me

university is sucking my face off, calculus is crushing my chest, IB is eating my soul, my lack of any relationship in two years annoys my heart, and to top it all off my mom drunkenly cried yesterday over me leaving home and it broke my heart.

Everything just feels like it's not giving me time to think or process before something else happens. No teenager should be this stressed.

And everything makes me feel insure and like a failure. like I need to be fucking validictorian which I cannot even spell like I 'm too smart for any boy to take a chance with.

And every time I say shit like this I read it and I can tell no one is going to get it because my life sounds fine. I'm going to university, I'm smart, I have friends and I'm whining about homework?

It just feels like so much more.
So SO so much more.

My name is Ignoya Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.

2010-03-27T22:15:00.002-06:00

Hey so you maybe like said something, and i'm wondering like you know how much that meant?

Do bad asking awkward questions like always bring up so much drama then they are worth. All I want is an answer to that question but the only way i would get it is by being sneaky and manipulative neither of which i'm good at and take too much work. Also would look really bad if he discovered it.

And i'm not ready to take the risk of just asking strait up because too much shit could ensue.

Number one being he'll run and never come back.

no boy wants to set limitations on any relationship before it even ensued

Number two mornings would not be them same, and last afternoon would have never have happened. And our russian accents wouldn't be heard by each others ears for a longtime.

Number three summer is days away and what happens when you go east and I stay west?

Number four If what we already have is what it is, could we do just a fling?

Number five We would lose 6 years.... YEARS there have been marriages that haven't lasted that long.

Those are five great reasons to not even to start to even think about it.

And there is still that one stupid thing he said that sometimes makes me wish those five things didn't exist.

One little question Fuck this world over who knew prom night was this cheesy.

If the world would fade away...

2010-02-13T21:55:00.002-07:00

I'm enjoying my life right now, although as much I pretend I don't care I would love more than a lot of things a boy to hold my hand and call me up. I wish for a boy that I can day dream about and have those day dreams fullfilled later. I wish for a boy to text me constantly and have my friends demand I stop. I want a boy to kiss and to hold me when I'm cold. I want a boy to think I'm beautiful and love things about me that I don't even like about myself.

Truth is though the lack of attention I've had in the last two years regarding boys has caused me to even wish for a late night drunk party make out session that means nothing.

Is this the ring of the very near Valentine's day causing this? Maybe. But more so I think it is a little bit Mister M's fault of not falling in love with me, and the New M's lack of ability to make me like him. And sometimes I think it may be partly because I sometimes have the little tinsiest itty bitty i can't believe i'm saying this thing for one JK.

We've been friends forever but sometimes when I get feeling like there will never be a guy in the world for me i think of him. And then I quickly remind myself that kissing him would probably be the awkwardest feeling of my life. So should I invest anything in what I just laid out to you? No probably not.

Let's go with not, my brain is too stressed with the formalities of school and real world to add the ever demanding emoitional stress on top of it.

Good night kiddies, Be good to those you love tomorrow, don't fret if you lack a sweetheart.

Weightless

2010-01-09T19:17:00.002-07:00

"Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's going to be my year. And I'm so sick of watching the minutes pass as I go nowhere. This is my reaction, to everything I fear cause I've been going crazy and I don't want to waste another minute here."

Lyrics sometimes say exactly what you need to hear. This is the truth of music, to reach people and relate.

Here is no good for me or us or more so the lack of us. Not going to waste another thought on you until this changes. This is my reaction to your lack of action and everything I fear. If that means goodbye Mister, well so long. Your loss.

Because i'm not losing.

Acceptance

2010-01-02T13:14:00.002-07:00

I think I may have ruined this but i don't see it that way i don't regret what I have done because when I did it i wanted to do it.

And I want to tell him that I like him. So I will, and I will make no excuses for that 3;00 am text message because I really meant it when I said it even if I was drunk. Nothing I have done in this makes me regretful because doing anything differently wouldn't have been true to me. I will not excuse my behavior because I think it might change his mind.

His mind is made or its not. My life will not change drastically in anyway. So here we go. It'll be me telling him everything and him either saying maybe or no and just friends. Or something else. But I'm not going to expect anything because thinking too much on things is just driving me nuts.

So dear MG you're a sweetheart and I really hope that no matter what happens you won't cut me out of your life. I can handle it I promise.

I feel light.

Life Lessons

2009-12-24T14:24:00.003-07:00

Life Lessons that only physics could truly teach you

The fatter you are the more attractive you are.
Everyone is a rough object.
Trains are hard to stop.
Electrons don't like to be watched.
Diamonds only pretty if they are cut right.
Santa Claus lives at the South Pole.

Oh wow

2009-12-16T18:38:00.001-07:00

Oh wow just do it!!!

And fucking soon please!!!!

Beacuse you are the reason for my procratination!!!

Plus surfing the web waiting for you to join the ride is so much better then social homework...

Cold Feet

2009-12-12T10:37:00.004-07:00

There is always that chance that this will happen; that suddenly he seems so much more important that he ever was before. When you see him you get butterflies, you embarrass yourself by trying not to embarrass yourself, and hope with every fiber of your body that he has the same stupid feeling in the pit of his stomach.

This is the hardest part that feeling. It's like cold feet. They just creep up on you and you can't find anyway to get rid of them until someone comes and gets close again. Then they fade to warmth.

Its that feeling that he truly only thinks of you as nothing more.

More, always wanting more.

All I can hope is that he has cold feet too, that he is just as nervous and cautious as I am, that he is just as scared to mess this up he doesn't want to try to warm up.

He may still be in the land of the broken hearted. For he had his heart ripped out by a girl and its always hard to trust the next one that comes along as much as she is not like the first.

Hoping and waiting with cold feet isn't the most comfortable position.

Damn hope again.

2009-11-09T19:41:00.002-07:00

Hope is the true killer right now. I really thought this might work out for me. I truly did. Only one problem Sluts United of the World inc. planned their next attack on the urges of boys whom boobs is their second favorite word. You know what that means I'm going to get picked over the girl that not only kisses on the first date...

Worst part is this girl (we will call her jk for her consideration) has

A. seduced,

B. teased and then

C. threw away

at least three very nice guys I know none of whom deserved it in anyway. And now she is going to try with MG, whom has been my new hope for these past few days with the exchange of text messages and a few dances here and there.

Now what can I do? He has a planned date (while almost date) with her tomorrow at the same party that moi et mes amies are going to. Should I prewarn him about the statistics on the back of this skank veterans playing card? Or just let it be? I don't want to do something and have him think me jealous and petty or not do something and see him get hurt. So what to do, what to do? I know its none of my business but I want to do something. There is also one more problem. Jk is not just a skank she is actually a nice person but I know she is not like that with guys. What she does with them is terrible but if you ever talk to her she is not that bad of a person at all.

GAH HHHHHh

Let's just be idealistic and say that MG will realise the error of his ways, See me and fall in love and then tell jk he just wants to be friends and then the world would be a great and wonderful place.

Day dream begin now.....

The time spent waiting.

2009-11-07T13:12:00.004-07:00

wishing wondering and hoping always come from waiting.

to wait is the act of attempting to not be impatient. From that letter that's suppose to be coming in the mail to that text message from the one you wish was yours to getting an H1N1 shot. You wish they could all be a little bit faster to stop the constant imaginings of your over productive brain.

For me I usually can handle waiting. Except when it seems to come to people.

I hate waiting that involves wating for knowledge. Just simply not knowing if tomorrow we'll be together or if you truly are just going to keep playing this hokey pokey dance with me never knowing if your in or out. All I want is to know; just a simple yes or no. Why must it always be so hard?

I'll just wait and keep on playing this game and when I know it truly is something I won't know what it means to wait anymore.

Sentimentality

2009-08-25T20:17:00.003-06:00

I think the lasts and firsts are always the most confusing and presumptuous feeling making events in our lives.

We intend to feel a certain way and don't

We are expected to feel a certain way and can't

We try to feel what we are showing but

... We fall flat

And virtually it all comes down to that one simple human fear that dictates our lives, causes and has caused so much hate, creates disagreements, ends relationships, and stops us from living....

The fear of the unknown. And the fear that what ever might could or will happen will hurt us.

We're so scared on these days of lasts and firsts and we forget to enjoy them.

Without further adieu, ladies and gentlemen.... Enjoy these days.

Survey Says...

2009-08-15T15:56:00.002-06:00

I used to love watching game shows: Uh oh, Who wants to be a millionaire?, Lingo, Family Feud, Newlyweds etc.

But really all those people that go onto game shows, does that really effect the rest of their lives as much as they think it will? I believe that people who use oppourtunity without throwing it away could bring about some impact. But what does 8000$ from wheel of fortune get you? Even if you spent it on a collage degree, if you had really wanted to go to collage you would have found a way. Say you got a loan, well really once you paid that back those 8000$ was just in the long line of the hundreds of thousands of dollars you'll spend the rest of your life. And this is no anrachy fight against consummerism and the matieralistic nature of our society. It is just the importance some people put into studying random trivia or reading words from the dictionary just to win those 8000 dollars. Is the time you waste worth it?

And maybe it is depending how much you value your fifteen minutes of fame.

But I guess in the long run if going on a gameshow for one hour makes you happy for even six months then I guess every second is worth it.

Anything that makes you truly happy or excited is never wasted time.

Oh the dog days of summer.

2009-07-25T17:28:00.002-06:00

It is just hitting me now how fast summer goes by and how I have not really been using my spare time when I am not chilling with people to the best of my ability and it makes me feel guilty and unsucessful and like I set up all these goals for myself that I haven't been able to keep. i'm breaking promises to myself.

Its very unfortunate.

But i guess i just need a bit of inciative. Which is a very rare and valuable thing that is almost impossible it seems for me to find when it comes to things that only effect myself. my body is a master of avoiding it and suggesting to just reading all day and remaining asleep until noon. In this it is the master and me, i'm its mindless follower. Its started its own cult and i'm the only member. Gosh darnnit and damnation this is difficult. Especially when i have access to things like a DVD player and the world wide web.

I also tend to watch movies by myself.

It's not that I don't want to watch them with people. I just don't want to shower and make myself presentable to watch said movies with them. Its just not worth it. Plus I can watch any lame movie I please without having to worry if the others involved in the viewing are enjoying it.

Movies watch alone this summer

Pulp Fiction
Death Proof (tad bit of quenton tarentino)
Fight Club
PS I love you
Penlope
Princess Diaries 2
Mulan
Sydney White

And that is probably only like 25% percent because I tend to watch movies on the TV of which I can never remember the names of.

And then I read a lot of books. Like a lot.

Books read already this summer

Pride and Prejudice
In the Belly of the Bloodhound
Thou Shalt Not Dump the Skater Dude
The Three Muskateers

And finally an anecdote

I randomly am now texting K the random from _____. The odd part is that I might him when my phone went all stupid and his number instead of S's came up when I was texting her. I thought he might be my chance at a summer fling. But oh sad is he is kinda too red neck for me and is in a complicated relationship. Now this means no offence to anyone whom is in four H and could be called a cowboy or girl. You are some of the most well mannered people I know but unfortunatly we have little in common. Which is too bad because you're so nice.

And now that is the end of this ode to those dog days of summer (If I had any poetic skills at all I would end this a nice flourish of a rhyme.)

okay class today let's discuss...

2009-06-26T17:09:00.003-06:00

Nothing, because officially I have completed the exact requirements that the modern English speaker would call Grade eleven or for all you cool kids south of here, junior year and even further to you posh people on that little island where your drinking you tea, fifth form. Yes I am successfully completed this second year in high school. Did I get wickedly drunk at some parties, no. Did I make out with some guy in the props room, no. Did a light a joint on the stoner stairs, no. (although the last one I'm proud of). And yet it was a good year maybe not your regular stereotypical high experience would be like but none the less it was a good year. And traveling halfway around the world didn't hurt. The only thing that I'm kinda sad is the guy thing its not a big thing but come on I didn't even really like anyone I was just curiously interested in some guys like C best friend J and Ludovick the french cutie (but he does live a little bit far away..just a bit).

Talking about J, Mr. J (whom is finally dating the girl he was making out with all the time meaning he is over me!! YAY) thinks I just need to get his phone number and I'm starting to realise how shy I am I never thought of myself as super shy but with guys I am and it doesn't help when they are.
But here is the story i went bowling with C and V-atron and J, and I just couldn't get myself to be interesting and flirty with him but i think it's because I was with C and I just have a flirty friendship with him meaning we flirt all the time but nothing would ever happen between us ad they are best friends. So basically I was completely lame and didn't even flirt a little bit. In my defense it was super hot in the bowling alley and i felt all hot and sweaty and gross and not very attractive at all. Meaning, it was a bust.
And Mr.Jay says I i just need to hang out with him and get his number and then text all the time and then the magic or what ever you want to call it will happen or it wont.

So lets hope for magic and that I won't coward out. Oh and that I have the best summer ever because I am sooo happy school is over!

(this is a little shout out to Vahn also known as S. I know my blogs are lame but they work for me. It takes to much time to find some song lyrics that fit my mood when I can just make up my own songs.)

If school= work and work = procrastination then technically school = procrastination

2009-05-25T16:11:00.002-06:00

I have three

well kinda more of two things to divulge.

And the first one is that only Robertson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.

BHahahahahaha!

MEANING I have about a list this long (holds up arms in a very exaggerated matter where one is very much higher then the other) and I have to get most of it done as soon as possible before any number of the following people kill me or at least hunt me down. Numero uno is my mom. Dos esta my teacher Mr Leidl and the troisieme is a little more figurative but there all the same, my summer, which will kill me slowly, with boredom.

Basically I have not been holding up my at home chores ( death glare from mom), I have this things which the amazing people in Cambridge decided to invent just to make my life sooo much better called

THE INTERNAL ASSESSMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(history component)

And finally I have no plans for this summer! And its making me kinda nervous that i will be bored at home well all my friends are off doing fun things.

But all of this I have been putting off like the plague of H1N1 (also known as hiney flu pronounced high - n -E) .

And also my workout plans have fallen apart....how unfortunate.

So my life is a little bit in disarray right now but that is why today on this monumental 26th of May I, a girl, Will get my act together for the good of myself and all of mankind!

Now for the second/ third thing I wanted to divulge. Mr J is trying to get over me. Which I'm glad about because now i don't have to worry about dealing with it. Now as for why is my last dilvulgence. He has found himself a no strings attached make out partner. Which he himself has divulge in a few times already only problem is the girl K likes him. For unfortunately it means a lot more then just a few kisses *cough * three *cough* hour *cough* make out *cough* session*cough* for her and Mr J knows this. So he has told her it is completely physical for him and he doesn't like her. She apparently "understands" and doesn't mind. I think he should stop it like now, but I told him that the first time after it happened but nooooo don't listen to me.

But I guess its good because he told me today he doesn't feel like waiting anymore for the person he likes to like him back (me) so this might help my situation but in the end it might end badly for him when that girl wants to be more then friends with benefits.

The pity date.

2009-05-18T17:19:00.002-06:00

pity date: comes from the english word pity meaning guilty feeling due to unfortunate circumstances of another person and date an instance where two people go out to get to know one another and is usually the beginning to a sexual or intimate relationship (See to court). A pity date in a date where one of two personnes agree to the outing due to sentiments of pity towards the other person due to their lack of such outings (reasons can vary).

Now what does one do if they yes to a pity date with0ut really knowing it?

Yes its true this ridiculous teenager who shoud be complaining about how not a single boy is payign any attention especially that cute one in english is complaining about how a boy does like her.

Let me give you the quick anecdote:

There once was this great average girl who chose to do an experience of a lifetime and jetted off to France for three months. Yet just before she left she recieves an invitation to a ball and not just any ball but the prom. Her best guy friend, a one Mr J whom is gratuating this year, has no girlfriend so decides to ask his friend. She of course says yes for it is just an outing with friends and she gets to wear a pretty dress! Returning from her trip a few short weeks later she buys a beautiful dress and is very excited to help her friend out. Until she learns of a night, a night where in a slightly intoxicated state Mr. J tells the world of how he fancies his great friend whom he already has a date with. The girl totally oblivious learns of this through the amazing power of female intuition and friends who can't keep their mouths shut. And now in this world of cellphones and really large piles of homework the girl must deal with an even larger problem keeping Mr. J in the friend zone!!!

So yes I am complaining of having a secret admirer, he is my best guy friend and I have absolutely no want to date him. GREAT!!! What to do What to do????

Has the world changed?

2009-05-18T16:59:00.002-06:00

For me? I spent exactly 3 months in an entirely different world and for some reason I believed I would experience some profound change or make some realization. That I would learn something from all this. I guess I just thought I would understand the world better. But really I just learned how little anyone does. Take my one time employer, T, he believes university is an excuse to not grow up, and believes people that take it are just kidding themselves if they believe they understand what the real world is like. Or take my new sister in spirit she still hides behind her shittly done black eyeliner and bangs because she thinks she is ugly. And I used to get so sick of her complaining about how big her nose was I would tell to shut it and that i didn't care. She had this experience too and she still can't get over herself. Or take my french teacher for example who has traveled where I did at least ten times and still has these stupid ideals about the french because she kisses the ground they walk on. No one gets anything from everyone's perspective.

Or finally S whom was bitching to me about our other friends and just couldn't handle the fact that it was partially her fault and that because of her sometimes snobbish attitude people get mad at her. Like what am I suppose to tell her? Quit being herself? I learned a long time a go she doesn't purposefully act like a bitch in her head she is being perfectly nice. But she thinks other people just have to get used to her they can't be mad at her for who she is. Well no one freaking understands her!!!!!!! how can she just expect people too? It was just so stupidly annoying and I know she was getting mad at me for not going on her side and saying its alright to act like a stuck up cow. I understand her so I don't let it bug me but what the fucking hell am I suppose to do?

Plus on top of all that she wants me to fix her problems for her. Yeah fucking right.

The world is just so confusing with no right and wrong answers. I guess that is what i learned everyone just goes about there lives as best they can but no one will ever understand every single person, personality, culture, country or perspective. We just have to learn to stop focusing on the shit that happens and the shit people to and be a little more tolerant.

So new policy tolerance is key, for every single lock or door.

Pain chocolatn, putain, hanches, mejilla, PAhhCrrcc (cough)

2009-04-01T10:55:00.004-06:00

France , France, Paris, Paris, Bagette, Bagette, Madame, madame......*

*(Let it be known that anything in italics is said with an awesome french ou francais accent)

I'm liking it here, a latte. But I've got four more weeks left but I'm feeling I'm not getting everything I'm suppose to out of this. Em seems amazed by everything and adores the difference, and An sounds like she is practically orgasimic about every single thing and just relishing in it. (Although I doubt I will live to see the day An says orgasmic and God forbid orgasm). I feel myself avoiding joining in conversations and cherishing those I get to have in english. Now this has nothing to do with the people here they have been nothing but open armed since the beginning. But it's just like every five minutes I have to get someone to explain the joke and by then its not funny anymore and I know this sounds depressing but I'm pretty sure I can count the number times I've truly laughed on my two hands. I guess the strait up truth is I'm getting a little homesick and as much as I don't want to leave here and not see these people again for a longtime I'm so so so so excited to go home but I'm scared too.

I'm just so mixed up about how I feel about both places. It's like they're both home and they're both .....well as the french would say à l'étrange which basically sounds like strange but means foreign.

But all in all its great here, I'm sure I've gained ten pounds from all the food. The pasteries, the cheese, the bread, the huge amount of chocolate teenagers here seem to consume.

So all in all my adventure is going as it should, I have to try to talk a little more and get the best out of my time here because who knows when I'm coming back.

2009-02-03T16:43:00.002-07:00

So here it is everyone probably my last sign before I go off...like off off..like off this friken continent off ..like across an ocean off. LIKE OH MY FRIKEN GOD OFF!!!!!!!!! (and yes that comment does deserve nine exclamation points, because nine is supersediously lucky because its three three times and three is awesome because its the trinity and yeah tangent much)

So I can't concentrate I have constant butterflies and I feel like any moment I'll implode. (Not explode). And the world is just acting so normal and i just can't all this just makes want to kiss a really cute boy randomly and dance my pants off and scream and hug the world and just take a chance because this, this which i havce already commited myself to is such a huge chance everything else that I would ever take a chance just seems much less intimidating.

In about 43 hours and 15 minutes (give or take how long it takes me to post this) I will be leaving for my biggest adventure yet. A three month excursion to FRANCE!!!!!!!!! (nine) In this I will spend my time living with one of best friends the wonderful JM in an unknown country!!!!!!!!!

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh

and

WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!

The To Do list of extremeness.

2009-01-08T18:39:00.002-07:00

There is a time in your life when you just don't know what to do for yourself so you just continue to do the same stuff over and over when you know you need to change and gain some determination if you are to achieve anything you want to or have to. This is where I am. I'm scared as soon as I dive in either everything will drown me in its greatness or it'll cause my time to pass much too fast leaving me no time at all. Really I should just dive in and let it envellope me so that I can finish it and then therefore really have time in the end.

So that's how it is at the moment, with my life a little at the high stress level.

In other news my teenager experiences list has not lengthened at all. I wish more then anything to add something to it and there is a drunken bash this weekend to be planned at C's house. I'll go and hopefully get somewhere with his hot and funny friend J. As awful as it sounds I want to get drunk with my friends and have a bit of fun. Now don't confuse this with me wanting to have sex immediatly. No this is wanting to flirt with some cute boys and maybe sneak in a kiss or two.

I want an easy thing, and easy fling.

The dead the new and the many

2009-01-03T16:31:00.002-07:00

New years eve is for partying, and new years day for looking back and planning ahead. This christmas hasn't been a bad one just a disorganized weird one. For one I lost my only remaining grandpa to old age. And all i can think about is how i was never old enough to actually talk to him when i could and i never tried to hard to have a relationship with him. Ever. By the time i was old enough his health was failing and he was always in the presense of an old hag that cared for him. Not my relation but his friend. And it just sucks that all i can do is remenise about him telling me jokes as a kid and playing with me. Teaching me card games and how to drive a quad without letting me go above thrid gear so i wouldn't kill myself. Is that really such a bad thing that that is it, thats all we had. I don't believe so, but more then anything in the world right now i want to have him here to tell if he liked the colour green or if during the war his missed home and did he ever sneak out at night or drive a motorcycle or write love songs. I want to know really what my quiet loving granpa thought about the world. And now , i never will.

New years, new life, new start, fresh start, starting point, point of it all, all the times, and time, when? This year I need to get healthy. I know I've gained weight , my jeans are tight, and face looks round. But I can't not procrastinate and i know if I just put my mind to it and i could gety back into shape in a few weeks. So my new years resolution is not too lose weight, but for me to find something i enjoy that will help me be healthier.

I also want to join a band. This one will be hard because i just don't know if i have the guts to audition and i don't know if I could compete with everyone else. But i want to try and even though i know it would be hard work i know i have the fundementals to do amazing. There are only a few things i need to overcome: my fear of rejection, and as harsh as it sounds guys that don't think a girl can hold a beat as well as any guy.

And finally i have a list of about ten things i need to get done in the next four weeks and i need to do them soon.

So there it is my christmas, i followed my mothers holiday rules and got a little chubby, i want to join a band, i lost someone, and i have so much shit to do i'm swimming in it.

Sisterly love interrupted by none other then Dean Martin

2008-11-22T22:08:00.005-07:00

Oh she's the drama queen...only seventeen

I love my sister but she just doesn't get it.

She doesn't get why I get so angry with her. And the reason is, she just doesn't respect me at all. And if I try to tell her she gets all defensive and blames it all on me anyway. And the worse part is, the only time I have the courage to tell her about it is when I'm angry. But I can't talk when I'm angry because as pathetic as it is I cry. When I'm pissed that's how I express by blubbering. So she never gets it. She just thinks I got mad for the little thing she did. Like I told her she was being a cow which maybe wasn't a good idea but then she gave me a charlie horse. And then that just made me madder because I was already pissed off and then I burst out crying.

I left after I stopped crying and went for a really long walk. We never really got to talk about it. But the next day I don't know maybe she was just ignoring it but we didn't fight at all and I had so much fun hanging out with her.

That's the catch when she is happy she expects you to be happy. And when her mood changes she expects you to accommodate. And if you don't she basically bites your head off. And with her you can't help her because that would be taking away her independence but she expects you to basically be her slave a dote on her hand and foot.

She makes me so fucking furious. And although she has grown up a bit since we were little it's still the same old shit.

Why does she have to be so mean? And yet so much fun to be around?

2008-11-12T19:03:00.002-07:00

Make love not War Make love not War Make love not War Make love not War Make love not War Make love not War Make love not War Make out Not War Make love not War Make love not War Make love not War Make love not War Make love not War Make love all night not War all day Make love not War Make love not War Make love not War Make love not War Make love not War

BOOB PUNCH!!!

2008-11-12T17:25:00.003-07:00

hmmm now please lay back and tell me how you feel.

Well I feel uncomfortable with this situation. For one I acted slightly more slutty then I ever thought I would, which makes me feel like I can be manipulated. At the same time I'm glad I flirted like there was no tomorrow because I never let go and just be a stupid teenager.

And now why don't you ever let go?

I never let go because I always think ahead to the consequences of my actions and this time I didn't.

And why in this instance did you let go?

Because for once I didn't want to be someone's second choice and I think i may have overdone it but the more i think about it I realize i did because i would like to be with this guy.

And why don't you?

I don't know if I trust him, he has a girlfriend, and he acted like that with with two nights ago, what's to say he won't just do to me what he is doing to her.

oh well I think I'm going to add him on facebook, and see what happeneds.

mika milk milka pika

2008-11-04T18:48:00.002-07:00

This week has made me think of things i miss
I miss camp and how the world worked there
I miss Jo
I miss screaming out loud singing in the car with him
I miss conquering things i thought i couldn't
I'm missing my drive

What in the bloody name of all that is blue has happened to me lately?

I'm not living I'm just being.

I'm tired of it, oh well i'm too drained to do anything stupid period.

(no speel check was completed on this piece, no proofread, nothing)

over under after All

2008-10-27T21:31:00.002-06:00

now.......Now....wait for it...wait for it....NOW.

.........Dammit

Sometimes I wish for something to happen to me that is just all mine to hold on to. No one else can see so they can't judge no one else would know so they can't comment. There are places I want to go and things I want to be but I haven't quite figured out why I don't let it happen. But they problem is I'm letting myself float and not taking a hold of everything floating around me.

There are three things I want to do. :

I want to have a thing. Be the girl that writes stories, the girl that plays music just something
I want to start a company but I don't know how nor to I have the resources
Finally I want to tell S she is a complete bitch to me 24/7 all because she can't get over herself and realise I'm not better then her nor do I think I'm better. Because it is so irking.

I also what now to be the start of everthing. So come on world be my muse, make the world around me my inspiration because I want it to happen.

Now.

Cheese and coffee.

2008-10-14T18:35:00.002-06:00

i love cheesy movies. i ponder and hold dear to that movie moment where the lighting is made to make everything look sparkly and the world has been saved turned right side up or the mistake fixed and the boy says something that makes they girl smile then leans over and kisses her like he'll never get the chance again.

As much as i want that, what i really want is just some plain old real life excitement.

Where maybe that day i have the biggest zit in the world I'm completely embarrassed, and that boy whom ever he is, with his own zits but with a charm that makes my friends secretly jealous still makes an valiant effort to "Woe" me or in other words mumbles something about pizza and a movie at his house. Then about a week later after an awkwardly wonderful first date kiss. He actually kisses me, like kisses me. And then i melt.

That's all i want. No confetti no special lighting no smoke machine and orchestra entrance just a simple kiss.

eni meanie miney moe.

2008-09-28T13:23:00.002-06:00

So.. umm maybe this...umm..you know... isn't working out. really. Sorry, and ..um its kinda...well your fault.

Saw you, and so what we were with people. There was nothing it was like that morning. BAH I AM SOOO FUCKING TIRED OF THIS.

I wish you wished I was and we were worth more then you think that I think we are.

2008-09-19T13:43:00.002-06:00

Communication should not be the cause of confusion but the creation of understanding. That is the entire point of it. To understand each other.

Yet the more I talk to you the more confused I get. You make my views and wants unclear with your simple words of round about talks with no actually answers. You make me want you more the more you talk to me but less wanting to actually try and make this work. Your losing me as you gain me and I'm just going to hurt more in the end not less.

I should lose you now but there is too much hope. And hope is the killer that will make this harder and more hurt. How can such a promising emotion that saves so many people from despair be the cause of my own problems?

hope is the cause of this saturday.
I hate orange

Who, What When Where and Goddammit Why.

2008-09-07T12:40:00.002-06:00

Why are your parents control freaks?
Why do you not text me back?
Why do I get butterflies when I get a text from and reply immediatly, but he doesn't even reply half the time?
Why can't we just be together?
Why is it you just can't show your parents how worth it I am?
Why are we wasting our time with this?

The Grey Zone...

2008-08-30T17:42:00.003-06:00

dun Dun DUUUUNNNNN!

So three boys, yes you got that right, three! The number of the trinity the supposed lucky number as said by the Chinese and the number boys I wish would phone me right now asking shyly if I wanted to go to a movie or something.

The slight turmoil with this is that number 1 is R and I have kissed but I told maybe we should wait on being together and hasn't exactly told me if even wants me.

Number 2 is super cool and making me question number 1 every day. And is actually in close proximity to me.

Number 3 has a girlfriend.

GAH FUCK GAH EKFJHEFIwhfewo'hfw'

So I sent R a letter telling him to get me out of this horrid limbo. Where I don't know if I should wait for him or let him go for number 2 or what! BECAUSE HE IS ON A FRIGGING CRUISE AND I CAN'T TALK TO HIM! So I am stuck in this stupidly stupid grey area and I just want some sort of idea of how in the bloody hell I should be thinking and all this is putting me in a frustrating situation!

jpiferhf'pweihf0ew9fhye0fh['0GAh rfejpeo

fuck thji0fhyw0rejrHFIPEOWHRFWPHFEWFJ

EPWOOW[JFD

*Thank- you for listening but we are having some technical difficulties as the author has had a brain aneurysm due to teenage adolescent angst stress.*

Oh damn they are bittersweet.

2008-08-13T19:09:00.005-06:00

I imagine that because I am so young my slight tribunals with the so called cherished emotion called "Love" can't be taken too seriously. Yet this is the truth with so many parts of my life. But this time, when I am opening my eyes to new experiences, the importance should increase. These experiences will effect me for the rest of my life in some way or another. Especially ones with love. A teenage heart can be broken easily, as well as it can be hardened too quickly. Our lack of judgement makes it necessary for extra insight and extra high priority placement.

Now I've I have never been one to put boys at the top of my list. I also am not one to put anything in such a category too high. You make too seriously important and the relationship itself becomes to serious for our age and leads to dangerous ideas.

So I had what any good normal teenage wishes for and has one day. A cliche "Summer Fling". Mine was wonderful, everything I wished for but somehow I don't think it's over per say. Roberto and I never really decided how we should continue with what happened. He said the two things standing in the way of us being together are stuck there for the time being. And me never thinking these things too seriously said maybe we should just be friends for now, and if us being together works out eventually then great. He has not replied since, now I think he would agree, but he hasn't told me. As well as he hasn't seemed to keep any effort to remain in any contact of me.

Now even though I know it won't happen and even though I know I was the one who stopped it. Every night before I go to sleep I have fantasies of us somehow ending up alone and ending up together with me back in his arms. (So cliche). (I mean just wait you haven't even heard the cheese fest yet.)

He deserves this treatment as the object of my affection, because of what happened that morning where I had a real life fantasy. And because while I was in the wilderness of the Ya Ha Tinda for a month, I showered twice, wore makeup once, had three zit breakouts, and smelled rancid. And he witness ever minute of it. Basically I looked gross. But he still wanted me, still wanted me for me in the purest form of myself. Who said guys were shallow. Guys can be wonderful and Roberto proved it.

(The gist of fantasy morning is this: We fell asleep with my head/back on his stomach. Then somehow with a slight nudge from him and my own comfty-ness in mind we ended up spooning. (very nice like perfect). Then I was confused because of one stupid soccer boy named C who I thought I liked. Roberto saw my confusion thought I didn't like what was happening. (I really did like Roberto I had just forced myself to pretend I didn't). But I did like it. Then we sneaked out to watch sunrise, ending up kissing on the deck. I had my first real kiss, tongues and all. We went back inside. Then he suggested some sexual activity which I had cautiously had agreed too, thinking it not overly sexual, until fondled the general ares of my clit for a second or two. Me being good catholic girl decided i didn't want that. Stop him. We kissed a bit more. Then just entwined our fingers and we fell back asleep in a similar position to beforehand.)

So now I'm left with the end of something amazing that just doesn't seem to want to end, and I just can't seem to give up.

Bugger

2008-08-13T19:09:00.001-06:00

After all is Said and done, Teenage angst still runs our lives.

2008-08-13T18:48:00.003-06:00

Teenage angst: Me and a friend (whom was creator of part of my own angst) discuss this topic in overly complainer adolescent way, yet we uncovered an unknown truth about it. The very essence of Teenage angst is the attempt to not have it exist in our lives. Every teen dreams to not be like the rest (in a good way), to not live our lives in teenage stereotypes. But the thing is when trying to express ourselves in a way that doesn't sound "Lamely Angst", it is right on the money of teenage angst.

The moral of this, or better say I the point, is that the only way to express ourselves in a form that feels true and not like any other teen rant is really just not care in the least of what we are saying means to other people. Yet the avoidance of this reality that others opinions will arise also causes "Angst".

All in all we had a mentally very deep breakthrough. And after wards, we played one on one soccer and I flirted something terrible.

Oh mister C, soccer obsessed, hot, so sweet, nice, good flirter, tall, and makes me laugh. I really should have fallen for you, and I almost did. Oh well I told SG she could have you, she can be a blunt cow but your too tempting an offer to refuse.

L'ete d'amour

2008-06-24T09:08:00.002-06:00

The world if full of people falling in and out of love, work, friendships, schools, and life. This summer i hope will be one to remember with new friendships and as lame as this sounds summer love. It may and it may not happen all i can do is live this summer to the best of the offered sunshine and opportunities to make friends. But in more exciting news me and S G are hanging out today and actually studying! Who knew us procrastinators were able to study even if it is the day before the test. TeHe. I also have a fabulously uber nifty and trendy new haircut. My bangs are now strait bangs and love them a late. But really other then these silly unimportant trivial things my life is kinda boring at the moment. So here I am world I am ready for an awesome summer and an awesome new band of comrades.

Oh No Wear did That time go.

2008-06-13T19:13:00.004-06:00

Breakups can be messy, mean, horrid, awkward..and etc.. But the first one I have had to experience was today, and I had to be the rejecter. Now why don't they ever write songs about the person that has to break the heart not be heartbroken? I mean do you know how difficult it is to tell someone it is over? That you just don't love them anymore? That it just isn't working?

That was my first "Breakup". But it is high school, not really any new news, adolescents hook up and break constantly. How else would there be so much drama? But the reality is if the relationship not on the cause of infidelity, feelings for another, or some other bomb that just explodes it a part. What if the two people should have matched up pretty good, what if they had an amazing chance and what if they were each others firsts but so not the right first?

Now I cared for him greatly, but as it got further on I realised he was not more then a friend. And maybe I had never liked him. But I don't like to think that because that just makes me feel more guilty. And I hope deep down that we can still be friends one day and that he realizes it wasn't his fault at all. But it is hard to be sad when for the first time in weeks there is sun out, summer is days away, my schedule from hell is finally sorted and relief from knowing i did the right thing is etched in my bones. All I know is that someday I might have to break someones heart again and someday someone will have to break mine. The world survives because in the words of a very real song of reality,

"Take the pain out of
living, and love won't exist."

Maybe its working.

2008-05-17T18:01:00.003-06:00

Maybe the warm weather, maybe the influenza and maybe it's just hormones.

Whatever it is me and mancandy seem back on track with few problems. The weather has become comparable to august everything hasd burst out green in a matter of minutes and my pastyness has taken a turn slowly towards mocha. I am in a fabulous mood.

Now My Mister has for the last couple of days been sick with a slight cold no biggie but it has put a bit of a damper on lip action so i have yet to have gained number five but I am sure it will happen soon.

Here , Comes the Bri...Barf

2008-05-05T17:02:00.004-06:00

Wedding are a joyous union of love between two people. And my man candy seems to already have ours in mind. Now giving him the benefit of the doubt he might just be a very affectionate and loving person. I have already explained to him once that our PDA's should be kept to a minimum in front of my friends. Its not that my friends think we shouldn't be together or don't like my mister man but I know it makes them uncomfortable when we get too touchy. Now this hadn't been a problem until about two days ago.

Now my friend SS loves dares and taking stupid risks and some how she ALWAYS ends up making me do stupid things. And she made me do one when she wrote this stupid gushy puppy love barf inducing text message to man candy on my phone. And she dared me to send it. So a solid ten minutes of her bugging me+ plus too much sugar + the late hour= one sent message. Now i had no idea what man candy was going to reply. So after a few minutes the phone wriggled with news of a new message. His reply: "Oh that's so cute...I miss you too." (Not a direct quote but something to the extent of that). DOUBLE MERDE. So now Mr. Boy Toy is being extra lovey dovey and I'm sure any minute one of my friends is going to barf in my face. The hugs, the waist grabs, even the ever too often used line of "I already miss you.", but the nusling. Now this is when exhibit A ( Man candy) rubs head and fore head area against the female's head/ forehead area in affection. GAG! IN FRONT OF ALL MY FRIENDS! They then proceeded to not look me in the eyes and then there was the creation of an awkward silence. This is a problem. What is the bloody frigging answer to this over cutesy dilemma. I think a definite call to my lovely friend Sio is needed. Immediately but it will have to wait until after Les Drums avec my Buddhist hippie Ugg wearing drum teacher.

911 I need Zen.

2008-05-03T18:18:00.002-06:00

My fingers arre shakey, my heart is beating, my palms are semi sweaty, FUCK ia m sooo nervous.

Okay so i NEED to calm down. He is coming over Oh my mister man and i am sure we are going to make out like 95 % sure.

That last day of the month.

2008-04-30T18:03:00.002-06:00

So this blog spot is suppose to be an online journal, en exposure of feelings, a repertoire of my life and my attempt at making a creative outlet. So with the finality of April 2008, I feel like my little spot is useless in a way. The chances of anyone ever hitting "Next Blog" and finding me is quite low. As well as actually taking the time to read what I am saying and see the way of my words or in another definition my little bit of creativity. So I began to think of how beauty and small little things that make people either happy or smile are far too few. So if by making a blog that maybe one day eventually someone reads and laughs at the attempt of a girl to make her life more interesting then well I guess maybe it is worth feeling this is a little worthless.

Sticky Eyes and Memories

2008-04-25T22:27:00.002-06:00

Memory is directly related to smell. So in a genius conclusion by my over active brain, I need to make a smell for all those things I forget easily. For homework vanilla, for lunch apples, for my phone Hawaiian ginger, and for my music maker citrus. Now these smells I will strategically place around the area of my house, so I never forget them. Now why might you ask am I doing all this. Simply because this week was hell on earth for remembering things two days my lunch, one day my homework, my running shoes another and my phone the day before that. So either I need to associate everything I own with a smell or create a checklist of some sort.

Now to the sticky eyes. You see ND is frustrated about her man candy S/EB. S/EB is being a totally pansy and this makes ND angry that she is having to make all the moves. So I attempted to teach her the art of Sticky Eyes. Now this is difficult and I haven't even mastered it. It's a combination of looking at a boys mouth to eyes to mouth to eyes while not over smiling and looking up through your lashes for maximum effect. This in turn makes boy lean in for an embrace of the lips (or at least we hope it does that, has yet to be tested). Now ND ended up not being able to do it or has chosen a totally wet willied pansy of a man candy whom can't pucker up, but she did give him a light peck on the cheek. So now S/EB is in a different country soaking up the sun and somehow being the only adolecent boy whos cowardice overthrows his horneyness. This leads me to my own knight in shining armour. I think maybe he was trying like movie scene kiss me today and I kinda missed and it was weird. And we have yet to like kiss Kiss. This weekend I am busy but either next week or end we are going to have are movie moment kiss (and so is ND and S/EB(Hopefully)).

Houston we don't know if we have a problem.

2008-04-18T22:04:00.002-06:00

So I know he wants more and i know i want more, but the problem is he is falling faster then i am. His velocity i believe exceeds mine by 150%. Which isn't really a good thing. I know this because he said i miss you, ...twice. Only less then i day after i had seen him and then again about a day and a half after. Now with this accerleration plus the speed of the rate of his affection plus the huge variable of his inexperience. I think he is going to say those three words, way too early. Now this could be a problem it could not. It seems his affection grows by seperation while mine seems to want to take this slow. Another thing if this were to end tomorrow i wouldn't even cry probably, he might. The only thing i know to do now is to wait, leave my thoughts aside. Let what come, come. Que sera, sera.

And for all my logic, it seems the best option, also to full on kiss him pretty soon. Because my God i want it to happen and he was hinting at me to do it during the movie, ....but all my freinds were there. I couldn't do it. What if i messed it up? Plus i just don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. Now i am not one of those people that thinks you can't show affection, but if that affection causes discomfort then can you really call it affection. All we need is some time, one on one. Then! Then! Then it will be the perfect time. Now Sio in her head right now if she was reading this would be "Oh my silly blogging friend just do it already!"

But its not up to Sio whom seems to move too fast in her relationships. I like turtle speed thank you very much.

Puppy love 101 and nerd wads.

2008-04-17T20:21:00.004-06:00

I have it, that's right I have it,

I have a case of spring fever and a diagnosis of puppy love 101.

Although Dr. House is none to sure about some points in our relationship that could cut us from the rest of victims of this fever. Uno, we do not have pet names (Thank God). Deux, the lip action has a been on a definite minimum, and only happens when we say our Au Revoirs. The finale, we have yet to make other people have symptoms of pointing at their very open mouths and making noises of regurgitation. This sets us from the pack or does the set us behind the pack? I want to think not and i am sure i am just being paranoid. But fuck friken doogle, I have had more make out dreams and day dreams with my infected then you would think possible. So this break in the week shall be ours, even if we fail in macking or find we are natural born talent and do it non stop. (I'm rooting for number 2)

Nerd Wad: Someone of high intelligence whom deserves to be president of the robotics club, whom is in very possible IB class and whom can spit out random information at the slightest indication.

So today average on the biologers test, 85 %ish maybe 87%. My mark, 98.8%. Okay now usually that doesn't bug me, but when i am like the only one that got over 95 i kinda does. Like any IB class everyone asks each other what each others marks are. And my mark spread through the class like bad gossip. And the observed reaction: Are you friken serious? Gah Bailey, your SOOO Smart! GAH sigh Gah sigh gah sigh.

Extreme Nerd Wad: the girl whom types this blog about her life as a adolescent, a teen, a youngin, a non-Bit, one miss Jamais faux.

Still NOT stuck in the middle with you

2008-04-13T12:11:00.004-06:00

Okay five is in the middle of ten.

Three is not.

And we are stuck at three

(ha ha that rhymed or at least the last line does).

So yeah we had a good hour to ourselves, and neither of us took the chance. Maybe it the ever possible arrival of one of my fam jam or maybe the fact you were nervous as hell to meet my ever vibrant and loud aunt with the colourful language. What ever it was all i got was a three when in reality i kinda wanted a four or five. Although that three was right in front of my mother, which is pretty courageous even if you did it then kind a booked it from the VW. We also went for a walk all by our lonesome selves. And sure we were surrounded by a bunch of onlooking strangers, half of which were checking me out. And those stupid clouds of bugs kept getting in our faces. Yet come on we didn't even touch skin until more then halfway through the walk. Well i guess i should complain we have done WAY more the ND and S/EB whom have been a pair for almost three X as long as we have. And hey our time will come we are both still newbies to this whole adventure anyway and you show no signs of giving this up.

five TIMES 10 x 0

2008-04-11T22:42:00.000-06:00

Five times, isn't a lot really. But if we had just one time that made it to a number 4 (or 5 for that matter although 6 would be crazy and very unprobable). That would probably make my world. But saying would make my world is a total hyperbole, because in reality I think this means much more to you then to me. And I hope that is not the reason that this won't go far. Because we're good and we nothing holding us back, well you have something apparently. I think you need to cross a few more finish lines and not worry about stepping over my line. Because really you are about 10 km away. And have crossed about 0 lines and 5 times ten times 0, still equals 0 in any language.

So what ever tomorrow brings, i hope it brings more then what it probably will.

(And I think I'm starting to sound like a Billy poem, that has been translated and modernized a few too many times)