Bruises

Sometimes bruises don't always hurt.

And with him I hope they never do.

Is it the time?

For the first time in my life I'm considering doing it for the first time in my life.

There are things I want out of this. I keep telling my friends that yes I'm into him but I'm not thinking about what may or may not happen in a month, 4 months or a year. Could he break my heart one day yes, could we get married (SOOOO SCARY) , could we simply drift apart. Yes all these are true but why would I waste my time thinking about them now? This comes out as the lovely C would say that I'm "guy-like" and "take things day by day". Which are true... kind of. You see if you don't talk about all the things you want out loud, if you keep them as the little secrets of your day dreams they count but they can't be a realistic fear, cause they aren't really real...mostly.

So you decide that your pretty sure he's good enough.

Which I'm pretty sure he is, he's not perfect but that's okay. I never looked for perfect anyway. All I know is I like all those things that make you seek someone's company and somethings I never knew I would like. All I want from him is to keep running his hands up and down my arms, keep pushing my hair from my face, keep pulling me closer and holding me tight. Being held must meet some deep internal biological need, for there is nothing so nice. Gosh us females are easy I have no idea why guys think we're complicated. Hold me, kiss me and be honest to me and really were set. What really gets me about him though is he is leaving this decision completely up to me. No pressure. Sure he obviously would prefer that I decide to sleep with him but he never asks as if he knows that if I'm ready I'll tell him I will.

So this is on me.

Now for the virgins of the world. We're holding on for something. Sometimes for solid reasons (marriage, first love, the one) but I would like to direct this to the girls who hold on to it cause they can and they just want it to be right. We tell ourselves these are not solid reasons so why I can't we just go for it? (Minor subnote: I only have felt mentally and physically mature enough to lose my virginity within the last two and half years probably and I'm 19. So for anyone younger than that please seriously consider those aspects of yourself before you do and also make sure you read all those stupid sexual health pamphlets so you're not misinformed. ) So yes my body is mildly screaming for me to go for it, but what stops me? I think I'm scared. It'll hurt for one (or can hurt). It probably will not be awesome or mindblowing cause I don't know what I'll be doing. But I think more than anything I'm scared I'll regret it.

Regret would occur if {blank} occured:

If I totally misjudged this guy and the only reason he is nice to me at all is to get a lay with a virgin. But I'm doubtful, he's too nice and sweet and seems to care about me. What if I meet someone else way better who I should have lost it to? But this is a selfish decision not for God, or marriage or the one but for me.

That leaves me with this, I'm physically ready, I mentally mature enough, I'm horny enough, he's nice enough, (and cute enough ha), I've accepted it doesn't have to be perfect, and I know if i make this decision it will be a selfish one.

I seeing him this Friday.

February 10

It is going to happen

( if my period doesn't fuck it up)

Why so sad?

When there is music like this..

Do you believe in rock and roll?

Can music save your mortal soul?

And can you teach me how to dance real slow?

Friends, lovers and randoms

Dreadlocks or mister E, Frat boy A and D. How are you classified exactly?

Dreadlocks, my mister EK, decided to not follow through. Why? Will I really ever know? Probably not. He said he couldn't lose me, so that means he didn't want me. He said he needed me, but that means he didn't like me enough. I wasn't enough. I'm not self-conscious enough or too modest to admit that it was because I'm not good enough. Because I am and we had chemistry. And we had promise. And we had everything we needed. But that's what I thought. He thought "she's my friend she is a good girl , she is someone that if i fuck with won't talk to me again. She's someone that I need. But every time I go down this road I get broken. And all of it gets broken and I can't fix it. I can't make everyone happy. I can't make her happy. I will fuck this up. Then I'll lose her." but mister E is it better to have me halfway then taking the chance to have me completely or lose me completely.

Honestly I'm not sure if he's right or wrong. What I know is it really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I like him or I don't. It doesn't matter if he actually lied completely and the thought of me repulses him or if wants to jump my bones desperately. It doesn't matter cause unless he wants something to happen and really wants it and doesn't back down, nothing is going to happen. We are going to keep coasting just as we are. Some might say "It's the 21st century girl if you want someone go for them". But I'm saying I did everything with honesty and bared my heart to him. Let him see how I felt and he backed down. In my books that means he is not interested and I will not allow myself to waste time waiting for someone. I know he had felt something at some point. I won't lie to myself and to my gut feelings and say he didn't so I can get over him. That happened but it's over. And that is okay. It is okay for something to be over. Which means I will be okay when things end. When anything ends. So I'm going to text mister E today cause I miss him. Our "romance" is done but I do still need him as a friend.

Mister E my deadlocked man = a friend not a lover.

Frat boy A. He is not really a person in a way so much as an experience and story. He and I had a class A flirtatious one night only fling. Where did it start? I am a true believer in the endorphins releasing power that is harmless flirting. It boosts your confidence teaches you about social situations and all in all leaves you a nice fuzzy feeling. So yes when in the presence of a cute single boy who is interesting and just isn't talking to me to get some. I have a tendency to flirt. So I did. I made jokes. I made sexual innuendos. I was interested. We sat by the fire and I let our feet touch. I brought attention to how my foot held the ice on the swollen sprained ankle and made my entire leg touch his. From there he took over. We talked and giggled. He would touch my leg for emphasis or my back. Then as we got drunker. When there became a shortage of chairs he offered his lap to me and my chair to my greatest love. I wanted to be near so why the hell not. Then we ate pizza as we sat. His arm soon made his way around me to hold me in place and then play with the bottom of my shirt and the edge of my jeans. Soon the party was moved inside and the night time cold set in. We walked in together but I ditched his side for a moment with my love. In the living room I commented on his huge ankle and gestured for me to take the small amount space left on the couch beside him. We had to sit quite close to make it work. He played with my hands i played with his. Etc Etc.... we were cozy. Then my love was doing her best to use text messages to initiate kissing. Then he began to rub my thigh and soon it seems the entire rest of the group right at that moment went for a smoke, left or left to leave us alone.

Then the kissing started and then his hand meandered it's way down trying to get me off through my jeans. We then moved downstairs. The party soon returned to the living room as we made out in the basement. Then to my own surprise I let actually get some. Not something I'm used to. I let him kiss me all over. I let him touch me all over. I let him take off all my clothes. I let him try to make me go over the edge. I let him and I don't regret it. It was fun. Soon I returned the favor and gave my first attempt at a hand job. I never finished but I would just like to say that is a lot of work. You need a large amount of stamina for that job. This continued this back and forth. He asked me how I liked it. Asked me to show him how I got off. Asked me if I was ready to blow him. Told me he never met a girl who liked it so soft and subtle. Asked if I'd ever had a orgasm and if I had ever tried it harder. Then my two best loves of life turned on the lights walked in and saw the show.

We redressed and after that he and I owed each other nothing. He went his way I went mine. There was no feeling at all except the mutual feeling of that was fun and thank you.

So Mister A, thank you I had fun. Take care of yourself get that ankle checked by a doctor and do not worry you owe me nothing. We are even. I enjoyed myself and I thank you for being my first in that experience. You were nothing but a gentlemen and a considerate person.

Mister Frat boy A = not a lover, one day maybe a friend but always my first random.

Finally D. You are last because you are the only thing that feels unfinished. Mr D has been floating in my brain. Last night I had a dream that he and I were together, but it was a dream inside a dream. I dreamed of dreaming of him and when the inner dream ended I awoke in my main dream feeling I lost him. Then I awoke from that dream a little mixed up. Yes we did make out that one time almost a nine months ago. Yes we argued and got into a fight about it significance. Yes I admitted to myself that you didn't mean nothing to me. But I also admitted I didn't want you. I didn't want a long distance crap that it would be. I was over it. I thought. But I see you now and it makes me nervous. But it's not I'm nervous in love, and it's not I'm nervous cause I just want to be friends. It's neither. It's some weird thing in the middle where I feel like I'm hung up on you without the ambition to want you. You don't act like it is over either, but I really can't do anything else but pretend that I have moved on completely. Which it feels like I have but something still nags me. So for mister D I feel I need to tread on eggshells and hope for the best.

D = not quite a lover not quite only a friend. neither and both.

Call me crazy to wait.

So yes,

I am

you know

feeling that way

kinda

mostly

a lot.

Yes

well yeah

he..

kinda

well

he is

there.

In my mind.

Not all the time

but a lot

too much?

yes and no

too much for me.

But I've never been

you know

one of

"those girls"

Whatever that means.

but one month,

we already have a time limit.

a short one.

what's the point?

if it's so short.

and then four months

which is long.

too long?

Maybe.

could I wait?

maybe.

But I've never been "that" kind of girl

the one that waits.

the kind that wait for a guy.

But there he is

in my mind

he's not on my lips

but I've been in his arms.

does that count?

maybe

for him?

maybe

I hope so

For me?

maybe

....yes

definitely yes

if I let my mind be honest about my heart

So

....

now what?

I have to wait.

but

I've never been one of "those girls".

Those little things..

Now I don't know if I've done it yet, but I feel myself going through the motions. The motions of having a real crush.

I know you're suppose to have reached a point of maturity in your life at my age where you no longer call these feelings butterflies or these thoughts daydreams. You do not say "why yes my darling best friend I am crushing on that fine man over yonder." No the language has changed. Now we hold in the blushing and the giggles and like the adults we're suppose to pretend to be we say things like, "Ah yes him...I'm interested and I find him an appealing option." Really though there is not a soul that exists that if you asked them about the one person they love that they would not smile to themself. They would experience those butterflies. Deny their existance all you want and attempt to replace it with the more mature idea of deep feelings but it is still in essence a crush.

(Do not believe I confuse infatuation and love. A real crush can be either or in this context)

But I can feel it generating. I want him to want me. I want him to find me interesting and attractive. I want us to have flirty conversations that we both hope and know are heading to the same mutual idea. I look at my phone for text messages I know are not there. I regret not going to his place this weekend and things that may or may not have happened if I did.

However the back of mind aches with some annoying picks of stupid.
summer is in a month

four months apart

no definable moment that shows there is anything going on

he smokes

he may do stuff that scares me

he says he wants sex not a girlfriend but won't hit on slutty girls to get any but puts nice girls aside for his idea of freedom.

but then I remember....

how he really only comes to class cause I convinced him too.

he didn't want to be late to meet with me.

gave me beer all night with no intention of wheeling me.

let me use his shoulder so I wouldn't fall in the snow

thinks I'm one of those nice girls

tells me to drop by later even though he's not having a party

asked for my number

gets embarassed around me

All in all. This is a whole lot of nothing. But it's a whole lot of nothing that invades my thoughts way too often. This boy may have finally got to me. The last time I said this though, my crush started something up with a different girl and I.....got over it in a day. maybe less. So yes the motions are there, but the commitment still needs to catch up.