2.05.2012

Is it the time?

For the first time in my life I'm considering doing it for the first time in my life.

There are things I want out of this. I keep telling my friends that yes I'm into him but I'm not thinking about what may or may not happen in a month, 4 months or a year. Could he break my heart one day yes, could we get married (SOOOO SCARY) , could we simply drift apart. Yes all these are true but why would I waste my time thinking about them now? This comes out as the lovely C would say that I'm "guy-like" and "take things day by day". Which are true... kind of. You see if you don't talk about all the things you want out loud, if you keep them as the little secrets of your day dreams they count but they can't be a realistic fear, cause they aren't really real...mostly.

So you decide that your pretty sure he's good enough.
Which I'm pretty sure he is, he's not perfect but that's okay. I never looked for perfect anyway. All I know is I like all those things that make you seek someone's company and somethings I never knew I would like. All I want from him is to keep running his hands up and down my arms, keep pushing my hair from my face, keep pulling me closer and holding me tight. Being held must meet some deep internal biological need, for there is nothing so nice. Gosh us females are easy I have no idea why guys think we're complicated. Hold me, kiss me and be honest to me and really were set. What really gets me about him though is he is leaving this decision completely up to me. No pressure. Sure he obviously would prefer that I decide to sleep with him but he never asks as if he knows that if I'm ready I'll tell him I will.

So this is on me.
Now for the virgins of the world. We're holding on for something. Sometimes for solid reasons (marriage, first love, the one) but I would like to direct this to the girls who hold on to it cause they can and they just want it to be right. We tell ourselves these are not solid reasons so why I can't we just go for it? (Minor subnote: I only have felt mentally and physically mature enough to lose my virginity within the last two and half years probably and I'm 19. So for anyone younger than that please seriously consider those aspects of yourself before you do and also make sure you read all those stupid sexual health pamphlets so you're not misinformed. ) So yes my body is mildly screaming for me to go for it, but what stops me? I think I'm scared. It'll hurt for one (or can hurt). It probably will not be awesome or mindblowing cause I don't know what I'll be doing. But I think more than anything I'm scared I'll regret it.

Regret would occur if {blank} occured:
If I totally misjudged this guy and the only reason he is nice to me at all is to get a lay with a virgin. But I'm doubtful, he's too nice and sweet and seems to care about me. What if I meet someone else way better who I should have lost it to? But this is a selfish decision not for God, or marriage or the one but for me.

That leaves me with this, I'm physically ready, I mentally mature enough, I'm horny enough, he's nice enough, (and cute enough ha), I've accepted it doesn't have to be perfect, and I know if i make this decision it will be a selfish one.

I seeing him this Friday.

February 10

It is going to happen






( if my period doesn't fuck it up)

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