Oh damn they are bittersweet.

I imagine that because I am so young my slight tribunals with the so called cherished emotion called "Love" can't be taken too seriously. Yet this is the truth with so many parts of my life. But this time, when I am opening my eyes to new experiences, the importance should increase. These experiences will effect me for the rest of my life in some way or another. Especially ones with love. A teenage heart can be broken easily, as well as it can be hardened too quickly. Our lack of judgement makes it necessary for extra insight and extra high priority placement.

Now I've I have never been one to put boys at the top of my list. I also am not one to put anything in such a category too high. You make too seriously important and the relationship itself becomes to serious for our age and leads to dangerous ideas.

So I had what any good normal teenage wishes for and has one day. A cliche "Summer Fling". Mine was wonderful, everything I wished for but somehow I don't think it's over per say. Roberto and I never really decided how we should continue with what happened. He said the two things standing in the way of us being together are stuck there for the time being. And me never thinking these things too seriously said maybe we should just be friends for now, and if us being together works out eventually then great. He has not replied since, now I think he would agree, but he hasn't told me. As well as he hasn't seemed to keep any effort to remain in any contact of me.

Now even though I know it won't happen and even though I know I was the one who stopped it. Every night before I go to sleep I have fantasies of us somehow ending up alone and ending up together with me back in his arms. (So cliche). (I mean just wait you haven't even heard the cheese fest yet.)

He deserves this treatment as the object of my affection, because of what happened that morning where I had a real life fantasy. And because while I was in the wilderness of the Ya Ha Tinda for a month, I showered twice, wore makeup once, had three zit breakouts, and smelled rancid. And he witness ever minute of it. Basically I looked gross. But he still wanted me, still wanted me for me in the purest form of myself. Who said guys were shallow. Guys can be wonderful and Roberto proved it.

(The gist of fantasy morning is this: We fell asleep with my head/back on his stomach. Then somehow with a slight nudge from him and my own comfty-ness in mind we ended up spooning. (very nice like perfect). Then I was confused because of one stupid soccer boy named C who I thought I liked. Roberto saw my confusion thought I didn't like what was happening. (I really did like Roberto I had just forced myself to pretend I didn't). But I did like it. Then we sneaked out to watch sunrise, ending up kissing on the deck. I had my first real kiss, tongues and all. We went back inside. Then he suggested some sexual activity which I had cautiously had agreed too, thinking it not overly sexual, until fondled the general ares of my clit for a second or two. Me being good catholic girl decided i didn't want that. Stop him. We kissed a bit more. Then just entwined our fingers and we fell back asleep in a similar position to beforehand.)

So now I'm left with the end of something amazing that just doesn't seem to want to end, and I just can't seem to give up.

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