Dreadlocks or mister E, Frat boy A and D. How are you classified exactly?
Dreadlocks, my mister EK, decided to not follow through. Why? Will I really ever know? Probably not. He said he couldn't lose me, so that means he didn't want me. He said he needed me, but that means he didn't like me enough. I wasn't enough. I'm not self-conscious enough or too modest to admit that it was because I'm not good enough. Because I am and we had chemistry. And we had promise. And we had everything we needed. But that's what I thought. He thought "she's my friend she is a good girl , she is someone that if i fuck with won't talk to me again. She's someone that I need. But every time I go down this road I get broken. And all of it gets broken and I can't fix it. I can't make everyone happy. I can't make her happy. I will fuck this up. Then I'll lose her." but mister E is it better to have me halfway then taking the chance to have me completely or lose me completely.
Honestly I'm not sure if he's right or wrong. What I know is it really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I like him or I don't. It doesn't matter if he actually lied completely and the thought of me repulses him or if wants to jump my bones desperately. It doesn't matter cause unless he wants something to happen and really wants it and doesn't back down, nothing is going to happen. We are going to keep coasting just as we are. Some might say "It's the 21st century girl if you want someone go for them". But I'm saying I did everything with honesty and bared my heart to him. Let him see how I felt and he backed down. In my books that means he is not interested and I will not allow myself to waste time waiting for someone. I know he had felt something at some point. I won't lie to myself and to my gut feelings and say he didn't so I can get over him. That happened but it's over. And that is okay. It is okay for something to be over. Which means I will be okay when things end. When anything ends. So I'm going to text mister E today cause I miss him. Our "romance" is done but I do still need him as a friend.
Mister E my deadlocked man = a friend not a lover.
Frat boy A. He is not really a person in a way so much as an experience and story. He and I had a class A flirtatious one night only fling. Where did it start? I am a true believer in the endorphins releasing power that is harmless flirting. It boosts your confidence teaches you about social situations and all in all leaves you a nice fuzzy feeling. So yes when in the presence of a cute single boy who is interesting and just isn't talking to me to get some. I have a tendency to flirt. So I did. I made jokes. I made sexual innuendos. I was interested. We sat by the fire and I let our feet touch. I brought attention to how my foot held the ice on the swollen sprained ankle and made my entire leg touch his. From there he took over. We talked and giggled. He would touch my leg for emphasis or my back. Then as we got drunker. When there became a shortage of chairs he offered his lap to me and my chair to my greatest love. I wanted to be near so why the hell not. Then we ate pizza as we sat. His arm soon made his way around me to hold me in place and then play with the bottom of my shirt and the edge of my jeans. Soon the party was moved inside and the night time cold set in. We walked in together but I ditched his side for a moment with my love. In the living room I commented on his huge ankle and gestured for me to take the small amount space left on the couch beside him. We had to sit quite close to make it work. He played with my hands i played with his. Etc Etc.... we were cozy. Then my love was doing her best to use text messages to initiate kissing. Then he began to rub my thigh and soon it seems the entire rest of the group right at that moment went for a smoke, left or left to leave us alone.
Then the kissing started and then his hand meandered it's way down trying to get me off through my jeans. We then moved downstairs. The party soon returned to the living room as we made out in the basement. Then to my own surprise I let actually get some. Not something I'm used to. I let him kiss me all over. I let him touch me all over. I let him take off all my clothes. I let him try to make me go over the edge. I let him and I don't regret it. It was fun. Soon I returned the favor and gave my first attempt at a hand job. I never finished but I would just like to say that is a lot of work. You need a large amount of stamina for that job. This continued this back and forth. He asked me how I liked it. Asked me to show him how I got off. Asked me if I was ready to blow him. Told me he never met a girl who liked it so soft and subtle. Asked if I'd ever had a orgasm and if I had ever tried it harder. Then my two best loves of life turned on the lights walked in and saw the show.
We redressed and after that he and I owed each other nothing. He went his way I went mine. There was no feeling at all except the mutual feeling of that was fun and thank you.
So Mister A, thank you I had fun. Take care of yourself get that ankle checked by a doctor and do not worry you owe me nothing. We are even. I enjoyed myself and I thank you for being my first in that experience. You were nothing but a gentlemen and a considerate person.
Mister Frat boy A = not a lover, one day maybe a friend but always my first random.
Finally D. You are last because you are the only thing that feels unfinished. Mr D has been floating in my brain. Last night I had a dream that he and I were together, but it was a dream inside a dream. I dreamed of dreaming of him and when the inner dream ended I awoke in my main dream feeling I lost him. Then I awoke from that dream a little mixed up. Yes we did make out that one time almost a nine months ago. Yes we argued and got into a fight about it significance. Yes I admitted to myself that you didn't mean nothing to me. But I also admitted I didn't want you. I didn't want a long distance crap that it would be. I was over it. I thought. But I see you now and it makes me nervous. But it's not I'm nervous in love, and it's not I'm nervous cause I just want to be friends. It's neither. It's some weird thing in the middle where I feel like I'm hung up on you without the ambition to want you. You don't act like it is over either, but I really can't do anything else but pretend that I have moved on completely. Which it feels like I have but something still nags me. So for mister D I feel I need to tread on eggshells and hope for the best.
D = not quite a lover not quite only a friend. neither and both.
No comments:
Post a Comment