The dead the new and the many

New years eve is for partying, and new years day for looking back and planning ahead. This christmas hasn't been a bad one just a disorganized weird one. For one I lost my only remaining grandpa to old age. And all i can think about is how i was never old enough to actually talk to him when i could and i never tried to hard to have a relationship with him. Ever. By the time i was old enough his health was failing and he was always in the presense of an old hag that cared for him. Not my relation but his friend. And it just sucks that all i can do is remenise about him telling me jokes as a kid and playing with me. Teaching me card games and how to drive a quad without letting me go above thrid gear so i wouldn't kill myself. Is that really such a bad thing that that is it, thats all we had. I don't believe so, but more then anything in the world right now i want to have him here to tell if he liked the colour green or if during the war his missed home and did he ever sneak out at night or drive a motorcycle or write love songs. I want to know really what my quiet loving granpa thought about the world. And now , i never will.

New years, new life, new start, fresh start, starting point, point of it all, all the times, and time, when? This year I need to get healthy. I know I've gained weight , my jeans are tight, and face looks round. But I can't not procrastinate and i know if I just put my mind to it and i could gety back into shape in a few weeks. So my new years resolution is not too lose weight, but for me to find something i enjoy that will help me be healthier.

I also want to join a band. This one will be hard because i just don't know if i have the guts to audition and i don't know if I could compete with everyone else. But i want to try and even though i know it would be hard work i know i have the fundementals to do amazing. There are only a few things i need to overcome: my fear of rejection, and as harsh as it sounds guys that don't think a girl can hold a beat as well as any guy.

And finally i have a list of about ten things i need to get done in the next four weeks and i need to do them soon.

So there it is my christmas, i followed my mothers holiday rules and got a little chubby, i want to join a band, i lost someone, and i have so much shit to do i'm swimming in it.


  1. You can do it, kiddo!! NEVER EVER GIVE UP!! I wish I had auditioned more when I was young. I wish I had thought more of myself to know I was good....I know you're good. You have nothing to lose, and so much to gain, so go for it. Don't be afraid of criticism. You're grandfather probably would have told you about the things he wished he tried. If you're thinking about playing or singing, just do it! I'll listen.
    Happy New Year!
    Your friend, Rebecca
    Ps. I'm so sorry about your loss.

  2. Awe thank you. I think you're my first commenter. You have a good new year too.