Those little things..

Now I don't know if I've done it yet, but I feel myself going through the motions. The motions of having a real crush.

I know you're suppose to have reached a point of maturity in your life at my age where you no longer call these feelings butterflies or these thoughts daydreams. You do not say "why yes my darling best friend I am crushing on that fine man over yonder." No the language has changed. Now we hold in the blushing and the giggles and like the adults we're suppose to pretend to be we say things like, "Ah yes him...I'm interested and I find him an appealing option." Really though there is not a soul that exists that if you asked them about the one person they love that they would not smile to themself. They would experience those butterflies. Deny their existance all you want and attempt to replace it with the more mature idea of deep feelings but it is still in essence a crush.

(Do not believe I confuse infatuation and love. A real crush can be either or in this context)

But I can feel it generating. I want him to want me. I want him to find me interesting and attractive. I want us to have flirty conversations that we both hope and know are heading to the same mutual idea. I look at my phone for text messages I know are not there. I regret not going to his place this weekend and things that may or may not have happened if I did.

However the back of mind aches with some annoying picks of stupid.
summer is in a month
four months apart
no definable moment that shows there is anything going on
he smokes
he may do stuff that scares me
he says he wants sex not a girlfriend but won't hit on slutty girls to get any but puts nice girls aside for his idea of freedom.

but then I remember....
how he really only comes to class cause I convinced him too.
he didn't want to be late to meet with me.
gave me beer all night with no intention of wheeling me.
let me use his shoulder so I wouldn't fall in the snow
thinks I'm one of those nice girls
tells me to drop by later even though he's not having a party
asked for my number
gets embarassed around me

All in all. This is a whole lot of nothing. But it's a whole lot of nothing that invades my thoughts way too often. This boy may have finally got to me. The last time I said this though, my crush started something up with a different girl and I.....got over it in a day. maybe less. So yes the motions are there, but the commitment still needs to catch up.

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